Motherhood

There are so many things to say on motherhood and I have very little practical experience. And Motherhood can take all forms. There are biological moms, surrogate moms, teachers who have been given the gift of students to love, aunts and grandmas who love children fiercely. 

But as I have moved from daughter to teacher to mom there is something I have noticed and that is motherhood is work. 

From the moment the pregnancy test came up positive  - work as a mama began. 

What kinds of prenatal vitamins to take? 

What kind of medical provider to see? 

What foods to give up? 

What drinks to give up? 

And this work is only beginning. When you least expect it, contractions will start, labor will begin and you will work through pain management, work to focus on your breathing, work to push baby out. Then when baby is born you will work to take care of her,  work to feed her, work to keep her healthy and clean. 

Motherhood is work. 

But the good thing is you were created to work by God. In Genesis 2:15 it says the Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to till it and keep it. Three verses later God also said, “it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper as his partner.” And that’s where you and I come in.

Before sin even entered the picture there was work and it was good work. 

Through this God ordained work, there are daily opportunities to be transformed to look more like Christ.  Our children are a gift from God that we have the privilege to nurture. 

There will be the sleepless nights. 

Diaper blow outs at the most inconvenient times. 

“God is not above these moments. He is teaching us, leading us, and refining us, in our different moments. He wants us to apply his beautiful gospel in our actions. He wants to see us feeding our children with the grace that He has given to us.” (Mom Enough Rachel Jankovic)

If you depend on Christ in motherhood, He can use every moment to transform you to look more like Himself. He gave the ultimate sacrifice but in every day, you will sacrifice your body, time, energy and will look more like Jesus through this gift of work. 

Your children will watch and see the gospel being acted out in all of these seemingly insignificant moments. They will watch and they will grow to know the love of Christ through all your actions - big and small. 

We will not do this work perfectly but we can rest in God’s grace. His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning (Lamentations 3:23).  

Work sounds bad. But I promise it is not. Because from this work springs forth the deepest joy - a deep and abiding joy. This joy comes from doing Christ's work wholeheartedly. 

Some of your happiest memories are just around the corner. 

• Holding your baby for the first time in your arms - the work of labor has its reward. 

•  Seeing your crying baby reach for your arms for comfort - the work of time invested.

• Hearing your toddler say an unprompted "I love you"  - the work of encouraging words.

May we all grow to be mom’s who rest in the grace of God, extend that to our own children, and work hard at the job set before us. 

You are not alone in this work. Hebrews says ...

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the pioneer and perfecter of our faith, who for the sake of the joy that was set before him endured the cross, disregarding its shame, and has taken his seat at the right hand of the throne of God. - Hebrews 12:1

You were called to this great work and through it I promise you will have a deep joy that can come only from knowing Christ. This work is hard, but it is good. 

My work. My greatest joys. 

One month in

Since 8:33pm on March 20th Mr. Hudson Adrian has been on the outside and has turned my heart and brain upside down. Labor was a beast but I'll spare you the details of the 20.5 hour experience - although I could talk about it at length. What I will say is that Christ truly sustained me throughout the entire process safely bringing Hudson to the outside world.

One of mine and T$'s most treasured moments of the entire labor and delivery process was about 2 minutes after Hudson was born. We were told that there may be some potential problems with him upon delivery and so a pediatrician was on call to check him out the moment he was born. This meant I wouldn't get to hold him in my arms immediately after birth. Hudson entered the world with a strong cry which told us he was healthy but they still examined him on the table next to my bed. T$ watched over him while my midwife took care of me.

I didnt like being apart from Hudson and T$ - even if it was only a couple feet. I asked for T$'s iPhone to distract myself with music and landed on Matt Redman's "10,000 Reasons" and turned it up. I honestly couldn't help but sing. T$ couldn't help it either. The nurse watching over Hudson sang as well. Our baby boy's entrance into the world was filled with relief, joy, and thanking Christ.

Since March 20th I have been trying my best to let it sink in that I am this little boy's mama. I'm not sure when I will ever get used to looking down at my son snuggled into my arms.

My SON! At the end of the day I don't return this baby to their parents like all of the sweet cousins I grew up with or any of the kids I have baby-sat since I was 10. This little man looks at me for shelter, food, and comfort. I'm his mama and it truly blows my mind. Even the way I look at T$ has changed. He's Hudson's papa and I suddenly love him more for the way he holds and looks at and cherishes our baby boy.

Already I feel like he is growing up too fast - already growing out of his newborn clothes, facial expressions already changing and becoming more diverse. I'm so thankful that I get to be home with him during this season to soak up each moment of his growing up.

I am thankful for our 1st month of parenthood and time spent getting to know our son!

hudson week by week

some news to share

July 15th - just your typical Sunday afternoon is when everything changed for my T$ and I.  I had just signed my contract for teaching three days earlier and was excited to hear that they had received it and everything was "a go" for my next school year. Yet, for some reason I felt like I should take a pregnancy test. And unlike all the other times I have taken a pregnancy test (more so just to reassure my irrational mind that I am not pregnant) this one came back POSITIVE.

Before this very moment if you had asked me if I was ready for little ones, I would have said "yes" without hesitation. Now, I had a positive test staring me in the face and my reaction was not what I had anticipated.

Yes, I am so excited and honored that Christ would entrust me and T$ to care for a piece of His creation.

Yes, I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mama.

Yes, T$ and I have been married for almost three years.

Yes, I was done with grad school.

But the reality of actually being depended on for life and nourishment and spiritual feeding scared me to death all in that moment. So instead of telling my unaware T$ in some romantical, pinterest-y way, I shouted at him from the bathroom. Shouted over and over and over until he bound up the stairs, saw the tears streaming down my face in shock and happiness and fear. He held me in his arms. Put the pregnancy test far from my reach. All I could say over and over and over was, "Oh my gosh!" and "Why are you so calm?!" To which T$ would reply, "Because I am sooo excited!"

We've been quietly and happily sharing the news ever since with our closest friends and family. This will be the first niece or nephew, grand-baby, and great-grandbaby for all of our family members. My 6 year old cousin John-Jo excitedly proclaimed that he would like to visit our new baby wearing a cape, sword, and shield and that he would bring something for his new cousin as well.

And now I happily and excitedly share the news with the rest of the world.

Our baby is 12 weeks and 4 days old and growing quietly and carefully in my womb. I am a blessed mama and I have only been one for 3 months. If you're reading this, please pray for this little one, T$, and me.

Baby H is expected to make his/her arrival March 23, 2013!

8 weeks in the Badlands, South Dakota

weekly gratitude

• Probably one of the most important THANK YOU's is for my cousin Tommy. He is breathing fresh, natural, not out-of-the-tank oxygen. And looking better than ever. Can't wait to see him (in real life) soon!

Photo taken by my pops

• Thank you for a week off from teaching. I have loved sleeping in, watching the Today Show, knitting, seeing friends, taking care of Agnes Louise, making dinners for my husband, reading books, having time to do homework. I feel refreshed. 

• Thank you for a long term substitute job! I start Monday and although am a bit nervous, I am excited to move on to the next step of having my own classroom. 

• And the most important thank you for the blessing of what today is and what it means for the true Christian faith...

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” After Jesus said this, he looked toward heaven and prayed: “Father, the hour has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you. For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him. Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent." - John 16:33, 17:1-3

a reflection on 2011

As I reflect back on the year of 2011 I am amazed at God's constant companionship throughout each month, day, and even at very specific moments.

The year started with uncertainty of my future but a desperate desire to no longer work at my job and truly seek after my vocation (thank-you Pepperdine). I was REJECTED, rejected from my very very first educational institution ever in January. I was frustrated, defeated, and irritated. January was the month of buckling down and trying again. My boss at the time was one of the most encouraging people in my life towards trying again  and wrote a very kind recommendation. My dearest kindred spirit had her heart broken in January. Both were tough, but not insurmountable. God is faithful.

February - me and my love turned another year older. I had to say good-bye to my co-worker TK as he moved on to greener pastures with Ivan & Alyosha. I vowed to not be far behind him in taking my leave from work (but not for a spot in any touring band).

March, April, May - The application process continued. I went salsa dancing for the first time. T$ and I bought a house (OK, a townhouse that's actually a condo). Also, somewhere in that time, I was accepted to SPU!!! Thank the Lord. God is faithful.

June - Most likely the most difficult month and time period I have experienced. Also the most beautiful if in our brokenness we lean on Christ. On days that I wanted to crawl into dark spaces and disappear, God remained by my side.  We were also given some wonderful memories in the month of June - a faraway Rhode Island wedding vacation and Shasta. God is so faithful.

July - Surgery to say goodbye to metal that was part of my life for 400ish days. Closed the chapter on the saga of 6.9.10.  July also saw me closing the chapter on my life at the Bone & Joint. A two-and-a-half year chapter on learning to grow thick skin, answer phone calls FAST, plan bomb potlucks, and spend 40 hours a week with some of the nicest people I am happy to know. Opened the chapter on what I like to call: grad school. God is faithful.

August, September - Grad school. Marriage. Homework (what the...). Continual healing of relationships, an engagement for my kindred spirit, and a lifesaving surgery for my cousin Tommy. Stay at home wife life launches with a memorable camping trip. Oh! And a very quick, lovely trip to Malibu to witness a dear friend marry her love. God is faithful.

October - An internship! An anniversary! The year of Cotton commences for me and T$. Two years of marriage. God is faithful.

November, December - Dark, rainy nights. Days filled with my internship. Evenings spent writing papers and blogs about how much I love teaching, reflecting, reworking, rewriting, rethinking. A very fun November weekend spent with our brother in Chicago.  Happy birth day Zelen! Evenings also spent in bible study with some dear friends - we are learning to be secure women who daily remember they are FILLED with Christ.

Thank you to the people in my little life in the year 2011. Thank you for the walks around Green Lake, the coffee dates, the time spent quietly knitting, traveling together, studying God's Word, crying, laughing, dancing together.

Thank you 2011 - I pray that I am a wiser woman who knows her full security, beauty, and peace comes from an all-wise God who holds her in His hand.

INDEED, GOD IS FAITHFUL. 

An early gift to us.

Happy early 2nd anniversary to us. Instead of waiting for October and SPU school to start up again, we are here now when I only have one school on my plate and no homework. As I sit here on this day bed, sipping weak coffee, and watching the sun rise over the Hood Canal (can you guess where we are now?) I feel thoughtful. I'm a wife! And have been for two years! To T$! A guy I've known since I was 15! How in the world did we slowly make these life decisions that brought us here? Although I am very thankful that we did, I sometimes laugh when I think of my reaction if someone would have told me at 15 that I already knew my husband. I would have probably turned red and clammy as I ventured to guess who he could be. Fast forward 10 years and I look forward every most mornings (i'm not perfect)at doing life by my sweet husband's side.

And it's because I'm not perfect that I need daily reminders from Christ as to where my hope, expectations, and security should lie. Hint: they do not go on T$'s shoulders. They belong to Christ alone. I know I have not always remembered that and through those times am disappointed that T$ doesn't live up to those expectations I have secretly set up. I want to have the heart of King David, "For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken." -Psalm 62:1-2. It's when I truly believe and live this that our marriage can truly thrive.

Happy early 2 years to an ever growing marriage. I am so blessed.

photo by Madeline Jacks

P.s. We're at Alderbrook. Thank you living social.

Mr. Yamanaka

Last night my mom gave her testimony/life story at a dinner party hosted by my dad's brother. I have heard it before but certainly learned new things as well. One of the stories I knew very little of was Mr. Yamanaka's. I have always known that via written letters (sidenote: I REALLY wish this was the main mode of correspondence today still) my mom & Mr. Yamanaka formed a relationship. He discipled her to Christ through these letters. And in a way, he is my spiritual grandfather. Their last letters back and forth took place on January 1, 1985 when my mom told him she was engaged to marry my dad that spring. Mr. Yamanaka's reply was the last letter she ever received congratulating her and telling her how proud he was of her.

Earlier in his life he had been disowned by his Buddhist parents after converting to Christianity.  He lived in Japan during Japan's invasion of China but was jailed because he was a conscientious dissenter. The Japanese government starved him while he was in prison. Eventually, Mr. Yamanaka was so weak and lethargic that they assumed him to be dead. They called his wife (appropriately named Mrs. Yamanaka) to pick up his body for burial. On the way home from jail, it was discovered that Mr. Yamanaka was ALIVE! He was nursed back to health and moved to San Francisco shortly thereafter.

I know I'm butchering the story. Missing details. But all that to say, God had a much larger plan for Mr. Yamanaka. Because of his faithfulness in dissenting to the military campaign Japan was waging he was saved for larger plans. His entire goal in life was to convert unbelieving Japanese to a saving faith in Christ. My mom was his last "Timothy".

I am so thankful for Mr. Yamanaka. I am so excited to meet you in heaven & meet everyone you brought to Christ. Thank you for being a "Paul" to my Mom.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." - Hebrews 12: 1-3



me & my mama

 *picture of Mr. Yamanaka to come later*

99 balloons

weekly gratitude

OK. So earlier this week (or last week) I stumbled across this lovely blog: Love, Life, Lace and found that she has and encourages others to start a weekly entry in regards to gratitude. I think it's fitting that my very first entry as a "participant" is on Good Friday.

Church of the Holy Sepulchre - Jerusalem, Israel

• Thank you to Christ for your sacrifice of yourself, and your sacrifice of your perfect & eternal relationship with God as you bore my burdens on the cross.
• Thank you to T$ for working so hard on our new home.
• Thank you sunshine for showing us your face this week.
  

  

  doug bookman

• Thank you Bookman for visiting us Seattle folks! I'm in eager anticipation to hear what you have to teach us tonight from God's Word.
• Thank you Mom & Dad for providing T$ and I with most (if not all) of our dinners as we transition into a new home.
• Thank you Ivan & Alyosha for doing what you were created to do. I literally can't stop smiling thinking about last night's show. Your guys' joy is so obvious!

• Thank you tulips for staying in bloom! Cannot wait to see you in the droves next week with the dearest of friends.
• Thank you Christ for the ability to heal & for staying by my side June 9, 2010.

refreshment

A couple weekends ago, Jena, Emily, and I decided it was time to join the ranks of womanhood and attend AMCC's "every-other-annual" woman's retreat. More than anything else, I think I was blessed by being in the company of wise women who love Christ, but more specifically by being in Carol Hopson's presence - our speaker for the weekend.  As she simply preached the Word and used examples of her testimony and life I felt myself drawn to her and my need to truly love the Word as she so clearly does. Being there reminded me of how crappy life can be sometimes, but was also reminded that God never wastes our trials. He always uses them. Always for His glory. That alone fills me with peace.

Our "bed&breakfast" we got to stay at (aka Mammo's beach)

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.

-Ephesians 1:3-12

home again.

Confession: It is 1:38 pm on this Monday, February 21st and I just woke up. If T$ ever reads this, he'll probably be a little jealous since he is at work right now after dropping me off at home this morning at 7:30 am after a whole weekend of Suncadia. That was a long sentence. Probably filled with grammatical errors. This past weekend was in two words: refreshing & draining.

Thank you Jesus for your Holy Spirit. Thank you for Scripture in which we can find discipline & comfort. Thank you for high-school girls & just the friendship of women in general who are craving both of those things. Thank you for their presence in my life and for the opportunity to minister to them & be ministered by them.

Remember my affliction & my wanderings,
the wormwood & the gall!
My soul continually remembers it
and is bowed down within me.
But this I call to mind,
& therefore I have hope.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,
his mercies are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
'The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
'Therefore I will hope in him.'
-Lamentations 3:19-24

P.S. Happy 2nd Anniversay P&A Wilson!

faith

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God,the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

be thankful for your knees!

i was struck by a car 6.9.10 while standing on a sidewalk and had my tibial plateau fracture operated on 6.11.10. Since then I have learned the joys of movies, knitting, reading, studying, sleeping, eating, and time with family. God has been teaching me patience throughout this entire process as it takes 12 weeks for my knee to completely heal and become weight bearing again.

i have had to constantly remind myself to, "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

you truly don't know the future - can't really plan for it, can't really know what will happen. i suppose that is something i needed to and have most definitely learned.



my CPM machine. so cozy.





quality time with my kindred spirit. learning to use a walker (that lasted for about a day. don't need the whole world to see me as an elderly person quite yet).