Motherhood

There are so many things to say on motherhood and I have very little practical experience. And Motherhood can take all forms. There are biological moms, surrogate moms, teachers who have been given the gift of students to love, aunts and grandmas who love children fiercely. 

But as I have moved from daughter to teacher to mom there is something I have noticed and that is motherhood is work. 

From the moment the pregnancy test came up positive  - work as a mama began. 

What kinds of prenatal vitamins to take? 

What kind of medical provider to see? 

What foods to give up? 

What drinks to give up? 

And this work is only beginning. When you least expect it, contractions will start, labor will begin and you will work through pain management, work to focus on your breathing, work to push baby out. Then when baby is born you will work to take care of her,  work to feed her, work to keep her healthy and clean. 

Motherhood is work. 

But the good thing is you were created to work by God. In Genesis 2:15 it says the Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to till it and keep it. Three verses later God also said, “it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper as his partner.” And that’s where you and I come in.

Before sin even entered the picture there was work and it was good work. 

Through this God ordained work, there are daily opportunities to be transformed to look more like Christ.  Our children are a gift from God that we have the privilege to nurture. 

There will be the sleepless nights. 

Diaper blow outs at the most inconvenient times. 

“God is not above these moments. He is teaching us, leading us, and refining us, in our different moments. He wants us to apply his beautiful gospel in our actions. He wants to see us feeding our children with the grace that He has given to us.” (Mom Enough Rachel Jankovic)

If you depend on Christ in motherhood, He can use every moment to transform you to look more like Himself. He gave the ultimate sacrifice but in every day, you will sacrifice your body, time, energy and will look more like Jesus through this gift of work. 

Your children will watch and see the gospel being acted out in all of these seemingly insignificant moments. They will watch and they will grow to know the love of Christ through all your actions - big and small. 

We will not do this work perfectly but we can rest in God’s grace. His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning (Lamentations 3:23).  

Work sounds bad. But I promise it is not. Because from this work springs forth the deepest joy - a deep and abiding joy. This joy comes from doing Christ's work wholeheartedly. 

Some of your happiest memories are just around the corner. 

• Holding your baby for the first time in your arms - the work of labor has its reward. 

•  Seeing your crying baby reach for your arms for comfort - the work of time invested.

• Hearing your toddler say an unprompted "I love you"  - the work of encouraging words.

May we all grow to be mom’s who rest in the grace of God, extend that to our own children, and work hard at the job set before us. 

You are not alone in this work. Hebrews says ...

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the pioneer and perfecter of our faith, who for the sake of the joy that was set before him endured the cross, disregarding its shame, and has taken his seat at the right hand of the throne of God. - Hebrews 12:1

You were called to this great work and through it I promise you will have a deep joy that can come only from knowing Christ. This work is hard, but it is good. 

My work. My greatest joys. 

update: dining room

The night we received keys, I ran through the house with my camera before T$ could lay a single hammer to it. In my haste, I completely forgot the dining room! The previous owners seemed to use it as an office/study space.

This is the only "before" photo I could find. It's back there...A white room behind the white wall.

The first couple decisions we made were to (1) rip up the carpet and (2) tear down half the wall between the dining room and kitchen. After we had done these things, I remembered that the dining room should have its picture taken. 

 Once the carpet and wall were gone, we had hardwood flooring installed to match the kitchen's hardwoods. Fun fact: The hardwood flooring in the kitchen is about the only material (besides the house itself) that we have kept. We simply had them refinished.

 Besides the two big projects, we also replaced the windows (and every other window in the house) and swapped out the lighting fixture. Down the line, the newly hung trim will be painted.

Our first official meal in our dining room was move-in day back in September 2014. Pizza, salads (sans forks because I couldn't find them anywhere...), and Gatorade.

We found our lamp at World Market, the rug at West Elm, and the floating shelves at Crate & Barrel. My sister-in-law even did a little artwork for me- the canvas print of Acts 2:46!

T$ still dreams about owning this table someday, but for now we're content with our hand-me-downs table and chairs.

This room has already seen a lot of love since we moved in 16 months ago: holiday meals with family, showers celebrating life's joyous events, many meals with family and friends, and countless messy breakfasts, lunches, and dinners as a family of four.

Another fun fact: the night I went into labor with Sawyer, we were playing cribbage with our friends around the table and during contractions it helped when they kept talking and we kept playing (pretty sure my team didn't win that round).  

One month in

Since 8:33pm on March 20th Mr. Hudson Adrian has been on the outside and has turned my heart and brain upside down. Labor was a beast but I'll spare you the details of the 20.5 hour experience - although I could talk about it at length. What I will say is that Christ truly sustained me throughout the entire process safely bringing Hudson to the outside world.

One of mine and T$'s most treasured moments of the entire labor and delivery process was about 2 minutes after Hudson was born. We were told that there may be some potential problems with him upon delivery and so a pediatrician was on call to check him out the moment he was born. This meant I wouldn't get to hold him in my arms immediately after birth. Hudson entered the world with a strong cry which told us he was healthy but they still examined him on the table next to my bed. T$ watched over him while my midwife took care of me.

I didnt like being apart from Hudson and T$ - even if it was only a couple feet. I asked for T$'s iPhone to distract myself with music and landed on Matt Redman's "10,000 Reasons" and turned it up. I honestly couldn't help but sing. T$ couldn't help it either. The nurse watching over Hudson sang as well. Our baby boy's entrance into the world was filled with relief, joy, and thanking Christ.

Since March 20th I have been trying my best to let it sink in that I am this little boy's mama. I'm not sure when I will ever get used to looking down at my son snuggled into my arms.

My SON! At the end of the day I don't return this baby to their parents like all of the sweet cousins I grew up with or any of the kids I have baby-sat since I was 10. This little man looks at me for shelter, food, and comfort. I'm his mama and it truly blows my mind. Even the way I look at T$ has changed. He's Hudson's papa and I suddenly love him more for the way he holds and looks at and cherishes our baby boy.

Already I feel like he is growing up too fast - already growing out of his newborn clothes, facial expressions already changing and becoming more diverse. I'm so thankful that I get to be home with him during this season to soak up each moment of his growing up.

I am thankful for our 1st month of parenthood and time spent getting to know our son!

hudson week by week

Christmas dinner

I'm a terrible blogger.

It's been months and so much has changed and occurred in my little family, but it feels like there is no time to reflect and think about it all. Thankfully, T$ and I decided that one last baby-free vacation was in order. So we spent our Christmas holiday away from family and friends in a quaint little city I like to call London! Those pictures are coming at a later date...if I find time amongst taking down Christmas decorations and napping (3rd trimester...makes me sleepy!)

We are so blessed to live so close to both sides of our family and I know I will be even more thankful for their support when Baby H makes his arrival in March! Yet, in the meantime I was also craving simple and sweet time alone with T$. In fact, those 12 days were the longest time in the history of our relationship we were alone - just the two of us. I am so glad we did it.

Anyway, being away for the Christmas holiday didn't mean we were about to skimp out on the meal! Before we left for our trip I had done a little research and realized that EVERYTHING shuts down in London on Christmas day AND Boxing Day (the day after Christmas). I wasn't sure what we would do, how we would eat or where we would go. In comes Bev to save the day - a college friend who generously leant us the keys to her flat so that we would have a home to go to for those couple days. On Christmas Eve, T$ and I scoured the shelves of our local Sainsbury and Waitrose for the necessary ingredients to have a cozy Christmas meal together. Bev's kitchen supplied the necessary pots, pans, oven, sink, and dishes. We capped off our Christmas meal with reading about Christ's birth in Luke, playing a few hands of Cribbage, and watching "A Christmas Story" all in our pajamas.

Here is our tiny Christmas meal that I will always always cherish in my memory. And I was so glad that Baby H was there with us - celebrating the birth of Christ and the joy of being together with family. Even if we had left them far away in Seattle...for just this once...

some news to share

July 15th - just your typical Sunday afternoon is when everything changed for my T$ and I.  I had just signed my contract for teaching three days earlier and was excited to hear that they had received it and everything was "a go" for my next school year. Yet, for some reason I felt like I should take a pregnancy test. And unlike all the other times I have taken a pregnancy test (more so just to reassure my irrational mind that I am not pregnant) this one came back POSITIVE.

Before this very moment if you had asked me if I was ready for little ones, I would have said "yes" without hesitation. Now, I had a positive test staring me in the face and my reaction was not what I had anticipated.

Yes, I am so excited and honored that Christ would entrust me and T$ to care for a piece of His creation.

Yes, I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mama.

Yes, T$ and I have been married for almost three years.

Yes, I was done with grad school.

But the reality of actually being depended on for life and nourishment and spiritual feeding scared me to death all in that moment. So instead of telling my unaware T$ in some romantical, pinterest-y way, I shouted at him from the bathroom. Shouted over and over and over until he bound up the stairs, saw the tears streaming down my face in shock and happiness and fear. He held me in his arms. Put the pregnancy test far from my reach. All I could say over and over and over was, "Oh my gosh!" and "Why are you so calm?!" To which T$ would reply, "Because I am sooo excited!"

We've been quietly and happily sharing the news ever since with our closest friends and family. This will be the first niece or nephew, grand-baby, and great-grandbaby for all of our family members. My 6 year old cousin John-Jo excitedly proclaimed that he would like to visit our new baby wearing a cape, sword, and shield and that he would bring something for his new cousin as well.

And now I happily and excitedly share the news with the rest of the world.

Our baby is 12 weeks and 4 days old and growing quietly and carefully in my womb. I am a blessed mama and I have only been one for 3 months. If you're reading this, please pray for this little one, T$, and me.

Baby H is expected to make his/her arrival March 23, 2013!

8 weeks in the Badlands, South Dakota

oh, the past.

So I know that T$ and I were not the only ones watching The Bachelorette on this Monday night. Although I may be one of the few wives lucky enough to view the show in my cozy pajamas, homemade cherry crisp, and my love by my side (who in his defense spent most of the show perusing dream houses online). I almost gagged to death when that Ryan character read off his list of qualities he hopes to find in his dream wife. I don't think that the awkward soundtrack helped at all. And the even stranger camera angles. ANYWAY,  it reminded me that I was probably being a bit hypocritical towards the television as I recalled that I had at one point made a list like this.

I ran upstairs and dug out a journal from my pre-T$ days. I found my list tucked in between studying abroad in London and before I realized I loved T$. It was at a time when I was single. VERY single. Little did I know that my husband would be the next man I would date just a short seven months after the entry. Here's what I wrote...

May 22, 2006 - He is not too attractive, blue eyed, college grad, semi-fashionable, good with kids, drinker of coffee, childish, organized, Taco Bell eater, lover of travel, reader of good books, loves old jazz music. He plays basketball and gets things accomplished. He can find the Big Dipper. Always reading the Bible. He loves his parents and keeps his promises and has messy handwriting. He has a goofy sense of humor. He is quiet. A thinker. It's hard to get him to open up but when he speaks, people listen. Above all, he passionately desires Christ. He's quirky, imperfect. He works hard. He is not too sensitive. His yes = yes and his no = no but he'll compromise when necessary. And he found me in an unexpected way. Our romance is simple - focused on Christ and each other. He surprises me with vanilla lattes and studies with me. He isn't a science major. He likes to camp, hike, fish. He is the first to admit his mistakes and stands firm in his faith. God - help me to be worthy of him. 


I could not tell you where many of these qualities came from. I don't remember and I don't really care. Why did I feel compelled to write a list? Who knows. T$ may not fit the bill 100% with what my 20 year old heart thought it needed at the time. Blue eyes? I'll take his chocolate brown ones any day. And no, he doesn't drink coffee but that just means so much more to me when I hear the coffee grinder whirring away in the kitchen - knowing that his sole purpose in making coffee is for me.

The more important aspects I penned in my list - are T$ to a tee. And he can even find the Big Dipper.

Somewhere in the journal I also found a letter from my dear friend, Madeline:

March 2006 - You just need to wait to get into a guy until you know that it's something special and good. Not something "perfect", mind you but rather something that just fits YOU so well...you don't want to be away from it ever again. Where you feel your insecurities being fitted together with his imperfections and everything coming together...someone who has your humor to a tee. Someone that you can honestly say, "This is God's BEST for me..." It'll come dear, don't worry. 


Looking back, I don't remember being so worried about being alone. It's funny to me now. I wonder and hope that I did not miss out on too much of that year.

Thankful for T$.

Thankful for today.

Our life without pets, children, and the official end of grad school right around the corner. No teaching job (for me) and who knows if I will find one for the upcoming school year. For today, I will find comfort and peace knowing that God is present in this moment and already in the future, prepared for whatever may come our family's way.

a reflection on 2011

As I reflect back on the year of 2011 I am amazed at God's constant companionship throughout each month, day, and even at very specific moments.

The year started with uncertainty of my future but a desperate desire to no longer work at my job and truly seek after my vocation (thank-you Pepperdine). I was REJECTED, rejected from my very very first educational institution ever in January. I was frustrated, defeated, and irritated. January was the month of buckling down and trying again. My boss at the time was one of the most encouraging people in my life towards trying again  and wrote a very kind recommendation. My dearest kindred spirit had her heart broken in January. Both were tough, but not insurmountable. God is faithful.

February - me and my love turned another year older. I had to say good-bye to my co-worker TK as he moved on to greener pastures with Ivan & Alyosha. I vowed to not be far behind him in taking my leave from work (but not for a spot in any touring band).

March, April, May - The application process continued. I went salsa dancing for the first time. T$ and I bought a house (OK, a townhouse that's actually a condo). Also, somewhere in that time, I was accepted to SPU!!! Thank the Lord. God is faithful.

June - Most likely the most difficult month and time period I have experienced. Also the most beautiful if in our brokenness we lean on Christ. On days that I wanted to crawl into dark spaces and disappear, God remained by my side.  We were also given some wonderful memories in the month of June - a faraway Rhode Island wedding vacation and Shasta. God is so faithful.

July - Surgery to say goodbye to metal that was part of my life for 400ish days. Closed the chapter on the saga of 6.9.10.  July also saw me closing the chapter on my life at the Bone & Joint. A two-and-a-half year chapter on learning to grow thick skin, answer phone calls FAST, plan bomb potlucks, and spend 40 hours a week with some of the nicest people I am happy to know. Opened the chapter on what I like to call: grad school. God is faithful.

August, September - Grad school. Marriage. Homework (what the...). Continual healing of relationships, an engagement for my kindred spirit, and a lifesaving surgery for my cousin Tommy. Stay at home wife life launches with a memorable camping trip. Oh! And a very quick, lovely trip to Malibu to witness a dear friend marry her love. God is faithful.

October - An internship! An anniversary! The year of Cotton commences for me and T$. Two years of marriage. God is faithful.

November, December - Dark, rainy nights. Days filled with my internship. Evenings spent writing papers and blogs about how much I love teaching, reflecting, reworking, rewriting, rethinking. A very fun November weekend spent with our brother in Chicago.  Happy birth day Zelen! Evenings also spent in bible study with some dear friends - we are learning to be secure women who daily remember they are FILLED with Christ.

Thank you to the people in my little life in the year 2011. Thank you for the walks around Green Lake, the coffee dates, the time spent quietly knitting, traveling together, studying God's Word, crying, laughing, dancing together.

Thank you 2011 - I pray that I am a wiser woman who knows her full security, beauty, and peace comes from an all-wise God who holds her in His hand.

INDEED, GOD IS FAITHFUL. 

nostalgia

My technologically savvy brother Daniel has been updating all the home videos from VHS to digital this past week. These couple gems of my baby brothers makes me (1) excited to have my own little family someday (preferably with adventurous, silly kids) and (2) wish I could go back for just a couple days.

my achy heart

I'm in a very nostalgic, Amelie-type mood. Remembering my happy childhood, time with brothers, parents, extended family.

This past week I honestly, dearly and truly missed my mom! She was only gone for 10 days, but it felt weird not being able to talk to her when I wanted. She was in Japan taking care of funeral details and saying good-bye to the mom that raised her for 11 years. So thankful she is home and that she had the chance to be a good daughter to her mama Ineko.

I'm in the mood for Thanksgiving (this year is a McDonald year). And a table FILLED with family: grandparents, parents, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles. And mashed potatoes, of course.

itty bitty kitty

We spent the weekend kitty-sitting for some dear friends. Has it made T$ more open to the idea of adopting a kitten for our townhouse living? Only time will tell...

my favorite - Agnes on the hunt.

This song kept getting stuck in both our heads all weekend...

today is going to be a very good day.

1. Wedding dress shopping with my kindred spirit (check)!

2. Jillian Michael's workout (check)!

3. Dinner at the Crab Pot with my T$ & sister to celebrate my pops-in-law's birthday.

weirdo.

Photographer: Hagens?


T$: That's us. 


Photographer: And you must be his daughter?


Me: No. I'm his wife. 


Photographer: (Chuckling) Oh, I'm sure you get that a lot. 


Me: No. I never have. 

a conversation with my 5-year old cousin

John-jo - Want to come over to my house? 

Heidi - I don't know. I have some homework to do. 

John-jo - You can do it at our house. Can you ask your dad? Where is your dad? Do you have a dad?

Heidi - My dad is Uncle Phil

John-jo - (astonished look on his face & walks over to Uncle Phil) - can Heidi come to my house?

Uncle Phil - I don't know you have to ask Heidi. 

John-jo (turning back to me) - You want to come over to my house? 

Mr. Yamanaka

Last night my mom gave her testimony/life story at a dinner party hosted by my dad's brother. I have heard it before but certainly learned new things as well. One of the stories I knew very little of was Mr. Yamanaka's. I have always known that via written letters (sidenote: I REALLY wish this was the main mode of correspondence today still) my mom & Mr. Yamanaka formed a relationship. He discipled her to Christ through these letters. And in a way, he is my spiritual grandfather. Their last letters back and forth took place on January 1, 1985 when my mom told him she was engaged to marry my dad that spring. Mr. Yamanaka's reply was the last letter she ever received congratulating her and telling her how proud he was of her.

Earlier in his life he had been disowned by his Buddhist parents after converting to Christianity.  He lived in Japan during Japan's invasion of China but was jailed because he was a conscientious dissenter. The Japanese government starved him while he was in prison. Eventually, Mr. Yamanaka was so weak and lethargic that they assumed him to be dead. They called his wife (appropriately named Mrs. Yamanaka) to pick up his body for burial. On the way home from jail, it was discovered that Mr. Yamanaka was ALIVE! He was nursed back to health and moved to San Francisco shortly thereafter.

I know I'm butchering the story. Missing details. But all that to say, God had a much larger plan for Mr. Yamanaka. Because of his faithfulness in dissenting to the military campaign Japan was waging he was saved for larger plans. His entire goal in life was to convert unbelieving Japanese to a saving faith in Christ. My mom was his last "Timothy".

I am so thankful for Mr. Yamanaka. I am so excited to meet you in heaven & meet everyone you brought to Christ. Thank you for being a "Paul" to my Mom.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." - Hebrews 12: 1-3



me & my mama

 *picture of Mr. Yamanaka to come later*

weekly gratitude

• Thank you Costco for being one of my favorite monthly date nights with T$. And for filling up our pantry with real food!
• Thank you Daniel for coming home - always showing me music, articles, photos, and being the slowest player in Scrabble.
• Thank you La Conner & Queen of the Valley Inn for a weekend of relaxation!
• Thank you Cory for turning a year older and giving me an opportunity to smash cake into T$'s face.
• Thank you East of Eden - Timsehl, "thou mayest". Still gives me chills.

family meeting

I may (or may not) have presented this to T$ awhile ago. Still waiting on the outcome...

weekly gratitude

• Thank you for little cousin Tommy's birthday! May Christ keep you safe, happy, healthy, and growing!

• Thank you LFP apartment for being dependable & cozy to live in the past 19 months (and to Jena & T$ for living there with me...at different times). So weird that I will never live there again!
• Thank you Mr. Clean Magic Eraser & whoever invented it. You have seriously revolutionized my cleaning game & will hopefully help us get our damage deposit back of the apartment.

• Thank you Jon-Jo and Emily for not outgrowing me quite yet. I will hula hoop, play jenga, soldiers, and sit by you at lunch as long as you'll have me. :)



cousins



note from Jon-Jo



me

made by daniel

"My face announces to the world that I come from a long line of very open-minded lovers." - Anne Curry

weekly gratitude

OK. So earlier this week (or last week) I stumbled across this lovely blog: Love, Life, Lace and found that she has and encourages others to start a weekly entry in regards to gratitude. I think it's fitting that my very first entry as a "participant" is on Good Friday.

Church of the Holy Sepulchre - Jerusalem, Israel

• Thank you to Christ for your sacrifice of yourself, and your sacrifice of your perfect & eternal relationship with God as you bore my burdens on the cross.
• Thank you to T$ for working so hard on our new home.
• Thank you sunshine for showing us your face this week.
  

  

  doug bookman

• Thank you Bookman for visiting us Seattle folks! I'm in eager anticipation to hear what you have to teach us tonight from God's Word.
• Thank you Mom & Dad for providing T$ and I with most (if not all) of our dinners as we transition into a new home.
• Thank you Ivan & Alyosha for doing what you were created to do. I literally can't stop smiling thinking about last night's show. Your guys' joy is so obvious!

• Thank you tulips for staying in bloom! Cannot wait to see you in the droves next week with the dearest of friends.
• Thank you Christ for the ability to heal & for staying by my side June 9, 2010.

art

to: heidi. love: jon-jo